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The light of the divine awareness has risen in my heart like the sun over the horizon and it will never set. (attributed to Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan)

I can’t remember when it started happening, but I think it was sometime last year. I started telling people that I loved my life. I can recall my inner skeptic flaring the first time I said it aloud to another human: Really? She asked. Do you really love it? Are you just saying you love it?

 

I remember being perplexed by this feedback.  On the one hand: fuck off inner skeptic!  What’s the deal with bringing me down? Lame.

 

On the other: You’re totally right, inner skeptic, I might just be saying it — but it will never be true if I don’t say it.

(Isn’t it worth the risk to say it anyway? I mean, at this point, I will tell you that I genuinely love my life — but is that partially because this is how I’ve been talking about my life?  I figure, if I objectively(?) love my life, or if I just talk about my life as though I love it, my lived experience is the same — so party on, Wayne.)

When I think about what it means that we are programmed to be unhappy and discontent, I am pained: It’s marketing’s fault. It’s comparison’s fault (our sweet thief of joy). It’s people out of touch with their spiritual core. It’s people separated from their tribe. It’s people who are lost, disenfranchised, and apathetic. It’s this god damn fear landscape that we live in.

 

As I lift higher and higher and heal old emotional wounds and continually come into the fullness of my being, I gain perspective on the old.

 

Some say that love is the antidote to fear. Others say that love’s opposite is indifference. What I have learned is that as I love more wildly and openly, I experience less fear and anxiety.  

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Yesterday, a woman I respect and value named the gifts I give to the world aloud.  I was fully with her + tuned in to our conversation, but I swear some magic happened that blurred my hearing as she said the words.  My spirit soared when this happened –  as much as I might have wanted it, I know with absolute certainty that I wasn’t supposed to discern the words.    Maybe they weren’t for me? Maybe I’m not ready yet?  I’m not sure the reason, honestly, but I’m not much invested in understanding the reason.

 

Today, I opened up my spirit for my team to see.  I was honest, and I was open, and I was not afraid.  We did an exercise that involved drawing (and sharing) deeply personal bits of ourselves and as I moved through the day, I felt more tiredness set in.  Tonight I am energetically exhausted.  I was blown away today by a series of events, conversations, moments in time.

 

More and more, I’ve been feeling the spirit in my daily life and it’s changing my entire life.

I can’t ever go back in time, and I’m okay with that.

 

(She asked me: What would little Kate say?  And I responded with what I saw in my mind’s eye: she’d encourage me to play.)

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Leave a message, I’m adulting

Things I’m into right now:

Adulting like a professional.  Doctor appointment: Check. Dentist appointment: Check. Naturopath appointment: Check. Getting serious about going to the DMV? Check.

 

I believe they call it crafting: I made a sweet felt garland for Valentine’s Day that included hand IMG_3334sewing  a dozen cut-out hearts… and then I followed that up by making a valentine’s day banner. I don’t much consider myself an artist but when I think about it, I notice quite a few creative hobbies popping up in my more recent years…

 

Speaking of which: watercoloring is on the docket! I am looking for a free online art class for an introduction to the basics. A friend of mine recommended the art form to me as a companion art to my dream life… The ethereal, imprecise nature of watercolor would lend itself to connecting during waking life, she said.

 

Meditation practice. The more I think about it, the more I believe that this is the key to a happy, balanced me. This is not to say it’s easy, or that I’m doing it, but that I’m pretty convinced that it’s a key to my wellbeing. Lately I’ve been thinking about the sacred in the mundane. Sometimes I catch my mind drifting…

 

I’ve been drinking ALL THE TEA! My honey bought me a beautiful teal teapot for my thirtieth birthday and it’s gotten more use in the last six weeks than ever before. I’ve long been a fan of Yogi’s green and kava teas. Recently, I’ve been working through Gypsy’s green tea. Thank you, winter.

 

Building a wardrobe. Y’all this is easier said than done. So far, I’m convinced that any modern wardrobe should include the following:

  • Dark tailored jeans
  • Black skinny pants
  • Oversized white button-up shirt
  • French stripes
  • Olive green utilitarian coat
  • Structured handbag
  • Ankle booties
  • Cheetah print flats

For a long, long time my wardrobe was a result of my budget + my body size/shape. There was a certain scarcity to clothes shopping – like if I found something that was affordable AND fit, I would buy it. I generally only went shopping when I was flush with cash, or before an event that demanded a new outfit (see: graduation, job interview, etc.).

Building a wardrobe is a very different process for me. I hold a lot more intention, and I’m on a quest to buy garments that flatter me and represent my personal style. Things that are different:

  • I’ve been using a secret Pinterest account to make a vision board of my style.
  • I wrote down the Spring 2015 Pantone colors of the year and had them with me when I went to the mall.
  • I tried on 9 things at H&M and bought none (despite many of them fitting and being affordable).
  • I spent an hour perusing clearance racks and bought nothing.
  • I spent $80 on a structured dress (with pockets!) from Nordstrom that is in a wild and beautiful orchid color.
  • Last month, I snuck off to do some shoe shopping by myself and tried on a dozen pairs of boots before not buying any.

 

Snow driving and snow walking and snow digging and snow thriving?  I am learning a lot about IMG_3313snow life. Things like how to dig a car out of a  3′ deep snow pile, the beauty of 4wd, what it looks like when very, very dry snowflakes fall (Diamonds! Glitter! SO SPARKLY!). I survived the fifth worst blizzard in Chicago history. I have managed to enjoy this, for the most part.

 

Planning trips to cross off more states! May: Louisana, Oklahoma, & Kansas. July: Minnesota and North Dakota. September: Michigan. If all goes to plan, by year’s end I will only have Alaska, and the Northeast remaining (Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Connecticut)! This makes me feel explosively happy! I’m wondering if maybe to celebrate my final states, I should actually plan a weeklong sojourn to Puerto Rico. They must have all-inclusive resorts, right?  Somewhere I could just lay down and not do much but swim and relax?

 

Buying frames. This is an ongoing struggle in my house. Some day, I swear I will frame my college diplomas.