It just got clear to me: I’ve left one phase, and the next one hasn’t begun yet.
This space between is lingering. I’m getting different information and feedback here. Some of this information has been from others: Harold and April told us all about the new neighborhood and when it floods and how long everyone has lived there. Some of this feedback has been from observing my own internal process: like when Denny asked if we are excited to be back in Portland, I felt myself ineptly reach for words to try to express that I don’t feel excitement and I’m trying to be neutral about that. I’ve been struggling to answer questions about how I’m doing. The words feel clunky when they come out, but I haven’t known how to fix it yet.
I think people are graceful to let me off the hook – or quick to take my words as they are. Either way, I’m sure some can tell by the look on my face that I’m tits up in transition – ha. Note to self: when you encounter others in transition, just be loving. That’s all you gotta do.
I think sometimes we hesitate to leave one chapter because we haven’t figured out the next one. We fret: how will I meet my basic needs? We ought to spend more energy contemplating: how do we want to be?
Speaking as someone who has left a chapter and is suspended somewhere in the in-between, I can tell you that it’s easy to get lost.
I could use a night of dancing,
A candlelit meditation,
A yoga class,
A day with my feet in the river,
A trip to the beach.
In the bath this morning, I thought about one of my favorite quotes from Mark Nepo. I posted it here before – when it first struck me. I come back:
“To journey without being changed is to be a nomad.
To change without journeying is to be a chameleon.
To journey and be transformed by the journey is to be a pilgrim.”